Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Things To Do While Breastfeeding

Warning: If the mental picture of a woman breastfeeding her baby freaks you out, stop reading now. Also, don't have kids.

I spend an average of 3-4 hours per day nursing my two-month old. That's pretty much a part time job. Maybe some women enjoy just sitting around for hours on end, doing nothing but lactating and gazing at their baby all Zen-like. Not me. Though I really enjoy the quiet quality time with my daughter, I also get bored after a while. I need things to occupy my time, or I'll go insane.

Here are things I have done while breastfeeding:
  1. Tell my son to stop jumping on the couch near the baby and me.
  2. Eat food. 
  3. Drop food crumbs on the baby's face.
  4. Find food crumbs from previous meals in my bra. Or better yet, in the baby's fat folds.
  5. Walk to the bathroom and pee.
  6. Drink coffee in a desperate attempt to stay awake.
  7. Sing "Pop Goes the Weasel" thirty times in a row while my son jumps out of a cardboard box.
  8. Write several drafts of children's books. 
  9. Yell at the TV about how much I hate politics.
  10. Sleep sitting up. 
  11. Sleep lying down.
  12. Worry that Costco stopped selling dried cherries (where are the dried cherries, Costco?!), and consider alternative oatmeal toppings.
  13. Purchase 10-lb weights on Amazon to start burning off pregnancy arm flab.
  14. Discover @prodigalsam on Twitter and try not to distract the baby with my jostling laughter.
  15. Research "homeschooling your kids while maintaining personal sanity."
  16. Hate my hair.
  17. Watch Breaking Bad while hoping the baby doesn't subconsciously pick up the message that Meth Cook is an acceptable career path.
  18. Plan the week's meals and make grocery lists.
  19. Inhale the baby's scent and try to commit this exact moment to memory.
  20. Get a tan at the beach. 
  21. Get a tan while sitting in my parked car in a parking lot.
  22. Give my son a timeout for jumping on the couch near the baby and me.

7 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha!
    Apart from anything related to your son (because my baby is my first one) I have done most of those things (and I dropped avocado on my baby's head more times than I like to remember)).
    And then I felt horrible when my friend who has a baby just a little younger than mine told me that when she feeds her, she does nothing else, she is just with her. Oops!

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    1. Alej, I'm so glad I'm not alone on this!

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  2. You, my wife, are hilarious. And a great mom.

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  3. Thing I'm doing while breastfeeding: Reading your blog post about breastfeeding.

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  4. This literally made me laugh out loud-- you rock and I can't wait to join this awesome club. I would totally be doing the same things... :)

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  5. I just googled about why Costco stopped selling dried cherries and found your blog :) this really made me laugh today!

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    1. Welcome! I'm glad others are as concerned about the Costco cherry shortage as I am :)

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